Jesus and Satan
by cyanidemoonpie
Summary: Adventures of Jesus and Satan. Smokin' weed, Fine Honeys, Snowbunny neighbor with the Dreads, Santa is a Mexican Druglord, and the Easter Bunny is a Pimp.


Jesus had some of that good Kush rolled in a cognac dipped cigar blunt. He gawked at his friend Satan who was hogging the multicolored bong.

"Dude. You gonna share that?" He whispered. His eyes were red and half lidded.

"I paid for this batch cunt, so I'll smoke as much as I want." Satan replied.

Jesus rolled his eyes and went back to rolling his huge ass cigar paper. He licked the side of it and smiled in victory.

"Well then this big Ol' blunt is mine". Jesus retorted.

Christ began to light the Kush and started puffing. Suddenly, he began to cough profusely.

"Man this is some danky ass, smelly ass, weed." Jesus choked.

"Nigga, I told you not to buy from Lefty Eye Joe." Satan clamored. "That nigga's weed is some skunky ass shit."

Despite the skunky ass smell, Jesus continued smoking his blunt.

"You better open up some god damn windows up in here, or this place going to be smokier than Auschwitz". Satan coughed out.

"Nigga shut up, before we bop." Jesus threatened.

"Dumb ass nigga." Satan grumbled. The Lord of Hell then walked towards the windows and tried opening them up.

"Nigga come open this window before I crucify you myself." Satan ordered. "I ain't bout to hot box in your smelly ass weed."

Jesus muttered some things under his breath and then started to pry the window open.

"There." He said grunting. He propped the window open with a copy of the bible. "You done bitchin' yet?"

Satan sarcastically shrugged his shoulders. He went back to hitting his bong, but something interrupted him during the third inhale. There was a knock at the door.

"Nigga you strapped?" He whispered to Jesus.

"Nigga I got a whole arsenal underneath my bed, we good fam."

The Lord of Hell then crept towards the door and lowered his eye into the peephole.

"Nigga, it's that snowbunny with the dreads that lives three doors down."

A woman with black booty shorts and pink tank top appeared at the door. Satan opened it and was greeted by two gold teeth.

"How's it going baby?" Angelic asked. She then sniffed the air. "Nigga are you smokin' some Lefty Eye Joe signature?" She cringed at the aroma of cheap marijuana. "That's some skunky ass shit."

Satan started laughing hysterically and Christ had an embarrassed look on his face.

"Man, what you want?" The messiah asked in annoyance.

"Chill Nigga." The booty short wearing Angel replied. "I'm just inviting you two over to a cook out this evening."

"Cookout?" Satan questioned.

"Yeah Red, at Chris's crib."

"Chris Cringle?"

"The one and only." She took a cigarette from her bra. "Heard it's going to be fun." Angelic winked before lighting her Pall Mall.

Christ and the Prince of darkness exchanged looks. Both of them shrugged their shoulders.

"Aight." Jesus said before throwing a nod in her direction. "We'll be there."

"Cool, cool." She blew smoke from her lips. "Bring some forties."

The angel then waved goodbye and started walking down the hallway. Satan stared out the door, checking out the snowbunny's thick behind.

"Dude." The messiah shook his head in disapproval.

"What?" He defended himself.

"That woman has had more dicks in her than a pair of boxers."

"I'm just lookin'." He retorted. "I bet she suck good dick though."

The two arrived at Chris Cringle's crib. His house resembled a busted down Trap house. No doubt the place had been ransacked a time or two. However, Chris was smart though, he was always a step ahead when it came to the Police. In the past he ran a meth lab with his midget lackeys, but was currently out of the business since '09.

They could hear rap echoing from outside. Both of the guys carried two forties in their hands.

"You ready?" Jesus asked clenching the bottles in his hands.

"I guess so."

Red and Christ then knocked at the door. The door flung open and the two of them were greeted by a man with two thick manila bitches tucked in his arms.

"Satan and Jesus!" Chris shouted. "How's it going playas?!" Cringle smacked his hoes' asses, dismissing them. "Come in! Come in!" He insisted.

Christ and Red hesitantly walked into the house. Despite the outside appearance, it actually wasn't all that bad. There was a bunch of people gathered around a television watching sports. There was an ebony girl on the counter doing body shots. People were dancing and passing around joints.

"Mi Casa es su Casa!" Cringle laughed. "I got food and drinks outside!"

He smacked Jesus and Red on the back. Chris opened the backyard door and led them outside. Angelic was out there dancing with a red solo cup in hand. She briefly waved at the guys before backing her ass against some guy.

"Help yourself guys!" Cringle insisted. He went back inside to tend to his guests.

The guys walked towards the barbeque. As they went to grab their lunches, someone tapped their shoulders.

"Hello Gentlemen." A man with a cigar tucked in his mouth greeted Jesus and Satan. "Allow me to introduce myself." He handed out his business card. "Peter C. Tail at your service."

The Messiah looked at Peter's business card. "Supplier of the finest honeys?" He read aloud.

"Indeed." He took a puff of his Cuban. "Peter , Supplier of tail." He chuckled. "If you two are ever interested. I supply everything from Malaysian to Cuban."

"Uh Thanks." Jesus thanked him. "But I maybe some other time?"

"I understand." Tail replied. "But if you change your mind, you have my card." He then winked and went on his way.

"Well that was weird." Christ whispered to the Prince of Darkness.

"You're telling me."

Angelic ran towards Satan, drink still in hand. "Hey Red." She said almost flirtatiously.

"Um, Hey Angel." Red said nervously.

"Come dance with me, won't cha?" She gave him pouty lips. Angelic was already tipsy.


End file.
